Find me three wise men and a virgin in New Zealand and I’ll be a pair of Houdini’s pyjamas - it’s Christmas season once again and although I’ve said it before: everyone I know is acting more frenzied than a lion in a first century Roman amphitheatre.
Take the sad example of my work colleague Teddy who, as I write, is in the process of attaching his baubles to the ceiling directly above his desk. I mean, of all the places to staple your baubles, that isn’t one I’d choose. I mean for crying out loud Teddy, it looks like you’ve just had a giant scrotum explosion above your cubicle!!!
But sadly both you and I know that within five minutes of Teddy completing this decorative masterbeast, half the office staff will head down that way making “Ooooh, Aaaaah” sounds and pretend that they actually like each other – because it’s that time of year and phony sentiment abounds. And suddenly Teddy, who is the Company Accountant (and for the most part of the year has about as many friends as any Company Accountant you know), is the most popular guy in the room. I mean, how does he do it? A three dollar string of tinsel and a 6.99 packet of baubles and everyone forgets he’s a Company Accountant??? Crikey, imagine how powerful the Inland Revenue Service would be if someone gave them a 12.99 set of Christmas Lights!!!
Okay, so you think I’m being a bit of a Humbug. And I get that – I mean it’s true that I’d rather take an 18 volt power drill and bore a 10mm hole through the middle of my skull rather than listen to another bad rendition of The Little Drummer Boy. And what the Charlie Brown is Snoopy’s Christmas all about??? Christmas is a Beagle in a Bi-Plane? That makes about as much sense to me as a Democrat running for office without a sex scandal.
But there are things about Christmas I do like. For example, on the day I do get the chance to be excited over a new pair of socks, a red and yellow floral tie, a rubber beer holder with a picture of a cartoon Moose on it and a vaguely amusing caption that confuses ‘beer’ with ‘deer’, a BBQ apron with “World’s sexiest chef” printed across the front (to go with the set of three I already have from previous years), and a K-Mart Gift Voucher redeemable next time I drive three hours to the nearest town that has a K-Mart in it. Yes, I am soooooo excited about that.
I just hope I got the right present for my Girlfriend this time round. Especially after last year’s incident where somehow, I managed to miss-read all her subtle cues. I’m still baffled by it. I mean, every time we were in town and we passed by that new Steakhouse Restaurant she would comment on how she loved a nice steak. But when I presented her with a George Foreman Fat Burning Grilling Machine as her gift, she was hardly amused.
So this year I’ve paid closer attention and I think I’m on a winner. Over the last two months she’s been less than subtle about showing me the fashion pages in her Women’s magazines. “Isn’t the dress that Beyonce’s wearing nice?”, “Look at those shoes, they’re amazing”, “I like that handbag, it would look good with my summer frock don’t you think?”… “Blah, Blah” …
...Like she’s made it so obvious what she wants… and I’ve gone all out to make sure she gets it…
...Like she’s made it so obvious what she wants… and I’ve gone all out to make sure she gets it…
… A twelve month subscription to that God awful magazine…
Yep, I’m pretty sure that’s what she wants… and usually I’m right.
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