MEDIUMS AND PSYCHICS: GUESS WHAT I'M THINKING NEXT?

Do you ever think for a moment that you could have psychic powers? Like when I watch a Sandra Bullock or Julia Roberts movie, I always know exactly what’s going to happen next, even before it happens! And I always know that when it happens, it's going to be crap! – For me, they’re as predictable as prune juice.

But let's be honest here... I don't really have any psychic powers. Any perception of psychic ability that I appear to have is simply due to my innate genius and nothing more – there is no such thing as psychic phenomenon.

But tell that to my friend.

You see, I have this friend who believes passionately in this bunk. She’s one of those oddballs that likes to have their cards read (what does pocket aces mean?), charts her day according to the morning’s astrology report, and spends bucket loads visiting Mediums.

‘Mediums’… now that’s a lark isn’t it? Like, "I can tell you your future because I'm a Medium and I have crystal balls" (try jumping a barbed wire fence with those). So anyway, what do you call an Apprentice Medium? A 'Fair to Middlen' perhaps? A 'Little Better Than Average'? If I was claiming to be as good as they reckon they are, I wouldn't give myself a professional title that implies 'mediocre'? Why not stand up and be committed in what you are? Instead of 'Medium', call yourselves 'Well Done' or 'Incredibly Proficient' for God's sake!

Anyway, I remember once seeing one of those television commercials for a dial-your-fortune line where you could phone this apparently super famous Australian Medium and he would tell you everything you needed to know (except for next week’s Lotto numbers – how useless is that?). And I remember thinking, ‘why would anyone need a dial-your-fortune line? Surely if the Medium was any good then he would know when he needed to call you’.

And have you ever noticed that the process of visiting a Medium is always the same? The first thing you have to do when you arrive at the Medium’s coven is fight your way through the plastic beads that are strung in the doorway. And now that you’re off-balance, you cop a whiff of some pungent and somewhat hallucinogenic incense and suddenly get a bad case of the munchies. And when you actually meet your Medium, they're wearing some trashy velvet gypsy garb that actually makes her (or him) look like Stevie Nick’s Great, Great Grandmother. And her (his) name is something like Madam Mystique, Elvira Fortune or Colin Fry - a name that convinces you that she (he) must be the genuine article.

At first you both sit down at an old card table and your Medium takes you by the hands (no, stop it! You're thinking of that other profession!!!). For a moment she'll sway back and forth humming and chanting a mystical rhythm (although for a brief moment you think it sounds a bit like 'Mumma Mia'). Suddenly she’ll jump back leaving you startled. Then she says something absolutely profound, “You’ve come seeking knowledge”. Like, wow… wasn’t that amazing? How did she know?

Next, she’ll detect someone from the ‘other side’, at which time you feel an eerie cold breeze cross the room. And depending upon how startled you still are by her previous move, you may also hear voices from the spirit world hidden within the breeze – and just so you know, they kind of sound like an electric fan motor.

At this point she’ll announce that someone ‘dead’ is trying to contact you. Amazingly, you’ll tell her exactly who it is; “It’s my Uncle Eddie, God bless him” (isn’t she amazing, how does she do it?). And she’ll be able to pass on Uncle Eddie’s personal message to you – that you shouldn’t worry about him anymore, he’s in a happy place and he’s with friends and family. And you’re sitting there thinking, “I never thought much of Uncle Eddie… but maybe deep down I did care, why else would she be telling me this? Heck this psychic shit goes deep man…

…and can we light some more incense?”

Now she tells you about your past-life. Apparently we all have past-lives. And interestingly (or fortunately) everyone’s past-life was as someone famous, interesting or critical to an historical event. Like, I know at least 25 people who were Egyptian Queen Cleopatra in their past lives – so she was somewhat busy or confused in her day.

But I want to know how come Mediums never tell you that in a past life you were the son of a leper’s daughter, born in the outlands of Iran where you herded goats until you died of cholera at age 13 and nobody of any significance anywhere in the world ever knew that you even existed.

Or why no-one ever lived a past-life as one of history’s great villains. Like no-one ever comes out of a Reading and announces: “Hey guess what guys? I was Adolf Hitler in a past life”.

“No kidding, apparently I was Attila the Hun and Rodney here was Wile E Coyote.”

No; it’s always that you were Marilyn, you were an ANZAC killed at Gallipoli, you were a Parisian Resistance Fighter gunned down by Nazis, you were a moonshiner during Prohibition…

… And if you ever find the woman who, in her past-life was Eve, please ask her why she ate the freakin’ apple and then give her a good slappin’!!!

Yes, I’ve got a friend who believes in all this bunk! I mean come on, it’s like believing that curried cranberry cheesecake is likely to become a commercial success…

…But hey, that’s just what I think… And usually I’m right.

Oh, and by the way; if curried cranberry cheesecake ever does become a commercial success, remember you heard it here first…

…Amazing!