DEMOCRACY OR DEMONOCRACY: DON'T LET THEM VOTE!!!

Tighten my braces, spin my bow tie, pull a rabbit out of my hat and call it a turkey! I’ve just had an experience that rattled my bones like a leaky bladder on a set of bagpipes. It’s name… DEMONOCRACY!

Did I spell that wrong? I don’t think so… Think about it…

It’s like this. In New Zealand we’ve just had a general election – last weekend actually. And being the civic minded responsible citizen that I am, I decided that I would put my hand up to work at a Polling Station for the day. You know, one of those nice people who cross you off the electoral roll, give you your ballot papers, smile nicely and refrain from making any judgmental remarks whatsoever.

And let me tell you, that last part about judgmental remarks – that’s a true test of character and willpower. I mean, call it ‘Democracy’ - I say you should call it ‘you get what you deserve you dumbass’.

It is an incredible and bewildering experience to see who casts their vote alongside you on election day. And to think, yours’ and my votes have the exact same equal value as a multitude of Marmadukes out there who, quite frankly, have the decision making capacity of a mouse in a maze – and not a macaroni maze either.

Take this one guy for example… walks in and straight up to one of the Issuing Officers to have his name crossed off the roll and receive his two ballot papers. Now once he has these papers, he walks up to me and asks, “what do I do with these?” Crikey man! You help decide the fate of the nation with those!!!!...

…or you could use them to make a paper plane glider while you dance and sing; “Do the Locomotion”…

Then there’s the bright one who, having ticked his selection, stands over the colour-coded ballot boxes (one orange and one purple) with his colour-coded ballot papers (one orange and one purple) and asks, “which box do they go in?” I’m guessing you don’t know your right from your left either???

But the biggest knucklewads have to be the ones who come in and say; “although I’ve known about this election for six months and despite the fact that it’s been advertised prolifically for the last three; and given that I’ve received at least a half dozen reminders through the post that I need to update my details on the electoral roll – I’m not actually registered to vote”.

Well that’s okay, because we can organise for you to do a Special Vote (you do seem to be a little bit ‘special’ don’t you?).

But then they reveal that they don’t even know what the election is about:

“Do I have to vote for a local constituent?” (Okay, they don’t use the word ‘constituent’ because it’s a big word- they just say ‘someone on that list’).

“Do I have to vote for a Political Party?” (Well, actually they ask; ‘do I have to vote for one of those little coloured flaggy things?’).

And finally:

“What’s this Referriddly thing all about?”

'Referrendum' Dear, it says 'Referrendum'.

And off they go… into the booth where they ponder… and ponder… and ponder… twenty minutes… half an hour… Come on for crying out loud, it’s two ticks and you’re outa here!!!... forty five minutes…

I ask; “Is everything okay Madam?”

She replies; “I think I made a Mistake?”

“When did you think you made the mistake?”

“When I first came in here and drew a smiley face on the purple paper. Was I supposed to draw a smiley face?”

High velocity lead – that’s what I’m thinking – high velocity lead.

Perhaps they should distribute votes proportionate to intelligence. Perhaps they should carry out an intelligence test prior to allowing you to vote. For example, they could ask critical questions like:

• Do you know who your local candidates are? Good, you can vote.
• Do you know what the difference between the various political parties are? Good, you can vote?
• Do you ever listen to Talk Back Radio, read the TV Guide or watch Fox News? Yes? Well we’re not letting you anywhere near a polling booth.

Stopping eighty percent of the population from voting because they don't even have the intellect of a world champion banjo picker – that would be a true democratic outcome...

...And you and I could still vote...

...Well... I could anyway...

That’s what I think… and usually I’m right.