MEDIUMS AND PSYCHICS: GUESS WHAT I'M THINKING NEXT?

Do you ever think for a moment that you could have psychic powers? Like when I watch a Sandra Bullock or Julia Roberts movie, I always know exactly what’s going to happen next, even before it happens! And I always know that when it happens, it's going to be crap! – For me, they’re as predictable as prune juice.

But let's be honest here... I don't really have any psychic powers. Any perception of psychic ability that I appear to have is simply due to my innate genius and nothing more – there is no such thing as psychic phenomenon.

But tell that to my friend.

You see, I have this friend who believes passionately in this bunk. She’s one of those oddballs that likes to have their cards read (what does pocket aces mean?), charts her day according to the morning’s astrology report, and spends bucket loads visiting Mediums.

‘Mediums’… now that’s a lark isn’t it? Like, "I can tell you your future because I'm a Medium and I have crystal balls" (try jumping a barbed wire fence with those). So anyway, what do you call an Apprentice Medium? A 'Fair to Middlen' perhaps? A 'Little Better Than Average'? If I was claiming to be as good as they reckon they are, I wouldn't give myself a professional title that implies 'mediocre'? Why not stand up and be committed in what you are? Instead of 'Medium', call yourselves 'Well Done' or 'Incredibly Proficient' for God's sake!

Anyway, I remember once seeing one of those television commercials for a dial-your-fortune line where you could phone this apparently super famous Australian Medium and he would tell you everything you needed to know (except for next week’s Lotto numbers – how useless is that?). And I remember thinking, ‘why would anyone need a dial-your-fortune line? Surely if the Medium was any good then he would know when he needed to call you’.

And have you ever noticed that the process of visiting a Medium is always the same? The first thing you have to do when you arrive at the Medium’s coven is fight your way through the plastic beads that are strung in the doorway. And now that you’re off-balance, you cop a whiff of some pungent and somewhat hallucinogenic incense and suddenly get a bad case of the munchies. And when you actually meet your Medium, they're wearing some trashy velvet gypsy garb that actually makes her (or him) look like Stevie Nick’s Great, Great Grandmother. And her (his) name is something like Madam Mystique, Elvira Fortune or Colin Fry - a name that convinces you that she (he) must be the genuine article.

At first you both sit down at an old card table and your Medium takes you by the hands (no, stop it! You're thinking of that other profession!!!). For a moment she'll sway back and forth humming and chanting a mystical rhythm (although for a brief moment you think it sounds a bit like 'Mumma Mia'). Suddenly she’ll jump back leaving you startled. Then she says something absolutely profound, “You’ve come seeking knowledge”. Like, wow… wasn’t that amazing? How did she know?

Next, she’ll detect someone from the ‘other side’, at which time you feel an eerie cold breeze cross the room. And depending upon how startled you still are by her previous move, you may also hear voices from the spirit world hidden within the breeze – and just so you know, they kind of sound like an electric fan motor.

At this point she’ll announce that someone ‘dead’ is trying to contact you. Amazingly, you’ll tell her exactly who it is; “It’s my Uncle Eddie, God bless him” (isn’t she amazing, how does she do it?). And she’ll be able to pass on Uncle Eddie’s personal message to you – that you shouldn’t worry about him anymore, he’s in a happy place and he’s with friends and family. And you’re sitting there thinking, “I never thought much of Uncle Eddie… but maybe deep down I did care, why else would she be telling me this? Heck this psychic shit goes deep man…

…and can we light some more incense?”

Now she tells you about your past-life. Apparently we all have past-lives. And interestingly (or fortunately) everyone’s past-life was as someone famous, interesting or critical to an historical event. Like, I know at least 25 people who were Egyptian Queen Cleopatra in their past lives – so she was somewhat busy or confused in her day.

But I want to know how come Mediums never tell you that in a past life you were the son of a leper’s daughter, born in the outlands of Iran where you herded goats until you died of cholera at age 13 and nobody of any significance anywhere in the world ever knew that you even existed.

Or why no-one ever lived a past-life as one of history’s great villains. Like no-one ever comes out of a Reading and announces: “Hey guess what guys? I was Adolf Hitler in a past life”.

“No kidding, apparently I was Attila the Hun and Rodney here was Wile E Coyote.”

No; it’s always that you were Marilyn, you were an ANZAC killed at Gallipoli, you were a Parisian Resistance Fighter gunned down by Nazis, you were a moonshiner during Prohibition…

… And if you ever find the woman who, in her past-life was Eve, please ask her why she ate the freakin’ apple and then give her a good slappin’!!!

Yes, I’ve got a friend who believes in all this bunk! I mean come on, it’s like believing that curried cranberry cheesecake is likely to become a commercial success…

…But hey, that’s just what I think… And usually I’m right.

Oh, and by the way; if curried cranberry cheesecake ever does become a commercial success, remember you heard it here first…

…Amazing!

MY TRIBUTE TO MICHAEL JACKSON

Since his death Michael Jackson has been more popular than a fur seal in a baseball bat emporium. This is in part due to his life-long contribution to compulsive consumerism, but also to his recent successes with the green movement who interpreted his death as a form of high end recycling with possible applications pertaining to poly-carbonates, asbestos and bobblehead toys. After all, prior to his departure Mr. Jackson was a genetically modified biodegradable superplastic with a top end chemical PH balance of 74.

There is no doubt that Jackson’s life was a tragic one. From the foreskin that had been surgically transplanted at the tip of his nose through to his Pepsifried hairdo; Jackson certainly endured a lot prior to his ‘use by’ date last year. Accusations of weirdness, paedophilia and glove puppetry must have taken their toll at times. Nevertheless, Jackson always came back with albums that were consistently destined to trump the elevator market scene – a scene that has always been difficult to crack (Billy Joel and Mark Knophler would testify to that – it took them years to break into the elevator market scene before reaching their current status as the two artists who dominate it most).

But it is interesting to note that since Jackson’s death not only have sales of his back catalogue suddenly skyrocketed, but he has also become one of the top artists being downloaded on I-tunes. It is this I-tunes factor that perplexes me the most and reeks of global music hypocracy. How long has I-tunes been around? But because Jackson suddenly dies people think “hey, I like his music. I didn’t when he was alive, but I’ve just remembered that I’ve always been a great fan”. This must bring untold relief to artists like Elton John who are forever trying to find ways to revive a fading career. Jackson demonstrated what so many before him have demonstrated (Elvis, Lennon, Cliff Richards - oops, he's not dead yet, just seems like it). Indeed, the secret to reviving a fading musical career - death. Good luck with that Elton...

Anyway, it’s at times like these – when criminal charges fly and medical professionals run for cover as pharmaceutical companies hire one-armed men to protect their interests, that we ponder the legacy of the individual. And Jackson’s legacy was indeed great. From his early childhood when he and his four brothers; Peter Jackson, Joe Jackson, Jesse Jackson and Stevie Wonder; formed the super group ‘Earth, Wind and Fire’, through to his solo career as ‘Prince’ – Jackson was always at the forefront of the Latin dance scene. And for this reason alone, he will be sadly missed.

That’s what I think… and usually I’m right.

SITTING ON COMMITTEES, CROCHETING CARDIS AND READING NANO SECONDS

Show me the root'n'toot'n' way outa here coz I hate being on committees and I'm currently on three of the damned things!

The first problem with committees is that they rely on the deluded institution of democracy in order to function. Now I hate democracy - it allows stupid people to vote (you know, people who listen to talk back radio or lay concrete for a living) - but it doesn't compensate by allowing smart people like you and me to have extra votes to negate the stupid peoples' votes. So everyone has a vote and every vote is measured the same - and that is really REALLY stupid!!!!

Further, if you consider all the truely great leaders throughout history, none of them rose to power via a democracy. I'm thinking of the true greats; Ghengis Khan, Atilla the Hun, Vlad the Impaler, Joseph Stalin, George W Bush - none of these guys claimed power using a democratic process. No, they grabbed power by taking it by the bal... by the throat and shepherding their people to greatness while conquering the world and crushing anyone who stood in their way (kind of like what a McDonald's franchisee does to local small family-owned food businesses - but that's another story). And let's face it, when you think about the likes of Vlad, Atilla, Ghengis and George, you'll never... and I mean NEVER... find their admirable qualities and characteristics in a leader of a democratic state.

The other thing about committees is that you can have anything between 10 and 25 people on the things meaning that there should be a reasonable distribution of the work programme. Note I said, "reasonable". After all, you and I both know who's going to do all the work, don't we? And it it's not going to be the dottery hair-netted woman who sits at the end of the table month after month crocheting the same tired old baby cardi.

That's another good reason why I hate democracy. Everyone votes to add more stuff to the work programme but no-one stands up to do it. Everyone suddenly remembers how 'over-committed' they are (like the cardi she's been knitting for the last eleven months suddenly needs to be completed next week because her niece's baby is due). So the mountain of work is left to be done by the same two committee members that always do it. And what's even worse, these are the two busiest people on the committee in the first place - they're the ones working 80 hours a week in their day jobs, supporting an extended family at home and caring for an ailing mother who needs constant personal cares... and they're on seven other committees and boards too.

But they're not the ones who will get remembered when it comes to making nominations for the Queen's Birthday Honours List. Oh no, the person that everyone will remember the most is the one who takes the 'minutes' at the meetings. And let's get real here, in most cases the person who takes the minutes isn't exactly considered the brightest bulb in the onion patch - otherwise they wouldn't have let themselves get shafted with the job of taking them now, would they? Like that's the job you give to the rusty lead pipe that can't pass enough water to be classified a drought. But they do it so well, don't they? I mean, sometimes you get minutes that are so detailed and so long that they ought be called 'nano-seconds'!

So when it comes to the Queen's Birthday Honours List, we're not remembering the nano-second taker because they were bright, hardworking or exceptional - we remember them because they put us through hell with their extended depiction of events gone by, written in the style of "War and Peace" and published on the back of three hectares of freshly cut Brazillian Rain Forest... And we thank them for this by giving them a civic award that celebrates their persisent dedication to micro-futility. (No, I said 'Micro-futility' - what you're thinking of is an elective medical procedure).

So if democracy is the root of all evil in a committee then how should we run them? Like I always say; "It's no use complaining if you don't have a solution" and yes, I do have a solution. Committees should be run by consensus - my consensus. I've found by experience that that's the most efficient way to get things done.

And as always, that's what I think... and usually I'm right.

DEMOCRACY OR DEMONOCRACY: DON'T LET THEM VOTE!!!

Tighten my braces, spin my bow tie, pull a rabbit out of my hat and call it a turkey! I’ve just had an experience that rattled my bones like a leaky bladder on a set of bagpipes. It’s name… DEMONOCRACY!

Did I spell that wrong? I don’t think so… Think about it…

It’s like this. In New Zealand we’ve just had a general election – last weekend actually. And being the civic minded responsible citizen that I am, I decided that I would put my hand up to work at a Polling Station for the day. You know, one of those nice people who cross you off the electoral roll, give you your ballot papers, smile nicely and refrain from making any judgmental remarks whatsoever.

And let me tell you, that last part about judgmental remarks – that’s a true test of character and willpower. I mean, call it ‘Democracy’ - I say you should call it ‘you get what you deserve you dumbass’.

It is an incredible and bewildering experience to see who casts their vote alongside you on election day. And to think, yours’ and my votes have the exact same equal value as a multitude of Marmadukes out there who, quite frankly, have the decision making capacity of a mouse in a maze – and not a macaroni maze either.

Take this one guy for example… walks in and straight up to one of the Issuing Officers to have his name crossed off the roll and receive his two ballot papers. Now once he has these papers, he walks up to me and asks, “what do I do with these?” Crikey man! You help decide the fate of the nation with those!!!!...

…or you could use them to make a paper plane glider while you dance and sing; “Do the Locomotion”…

Then there’s the bright one who, having ticked his selection, stands over the colour-coded ballot boxes (one orange and one purple) with his colour-coded ballot papers (one orange and one purple) and asks, “which box do they go in?” I’m guessing you don’t know your right from your left either???

But the biggest knucklewads have to be the ones who come in and say; “although I’ve known about this election for six months and despite the fact that it’s been advertised prolifically for the last three; and given that I’ve received at least a half dozen reminders through the post that I need to update my details on the electoral roll – I’m not actually registered to vote”.

Well that’s okay, because we can organise for you to do a Special Vote (you do seem to be a little bit ‘special’ don’t you?).

But then they reveal that they don’t even know what the election is about:

“Do I have to vote for a local constituent?” (Okay, they don’t use the word ‘constituent’ because it’s a big word- they just say ‘someone on that list’).

“Do I have to vote for a Political Party?” (Well, actually they ask; ‘do I have to vote for one of those little coloured flaggy things?’).

And finally:

“What’s this Referriddly thing all about?”

'Referrendum' Dear, it says 'Referrendum'.

And off they go… into the booth where they ponder… and ponder… and ponder… twenty minutes… half an hour… Come on for crying out loud, it’s two ticks and you’re outa here!!!... forty five minutes…

I ask; “Is everything okay Madam?”

She replies; “I think I made a Mistake?”

“When did you think you made the mistake?”

“When I first came in here and drew a smiley face on the purple paper. Was I supposed to draw a smiley face?”

High velocity lead – that’s what I’m thinking – high velocity lead.

Perhaps they should distribute votes proportionate to intelligence. Perhaps they should carry out an intelligence test prior to allowing you to vote. For example, they could ask critical questions like:

• Do you know who your local candidates are? Good, you can vote.
• Do you know what the difference between the various political parties are? Good, you can vote?
• Do you ever listen to Talk Back Radio, read the TV Guide or watch Fox News? Yes? Well we’re not letting you anywhere near a polling booth.

Stopping eighty percent of the population from voting because they don't even have the intellect of a world champion banjo picker – that would be a true democratic outcome...

...And you and I could still vote...

...Well... I could anyway...

That’s what I think… and usually I’m right.

THEY'RE STILL KILLING ME SOFTLY WITH GLEE SONGS: BLOODY RERUNS

Put some dead fish in a paper bag and wedge them between the hubcap of your neighbour’s truck! “Glee” fever has returned and they’re replaying it every night from the very first episode!!!

Those of you who frequent my Blogsite will already know my sentiments about the TV programme “Glee”. Yes, my 18 July Posting “Killing me softly with Glee songs” made that one perfectly clear.

And you know what? Most of you (well, at least the educated readers amongst you) agreed with that Post. I know this because of the fan mail I received in its aftermath – especially from Gym Teachers and Football Coaches.

Sure, some people who, let’s face it, aren’t really sophisticated or cultured enough to appreciate this Blog – let it be known that they thought I was being a “musically retarded Mormon!” with my comments (I’m guessing they actually meant ‘moron’ because most Mormons I know can handle a bit of a tune – and several wives…). But it is evident to me that the kind of people who actually have an intellectual entitlement to read this Blog agree when I say that “Glee” is just “God damned awful”.

Okay, so I know what you’re going to say next. Back in July my experience of “Glee” was unavoidable – I was guest at a friend’s house for dinner and had little control about my viewing situation. “But come on Jack, change the channel and get over it!”

Well I’d love to. My problem is that I entered into a new relationship this year and I’m still trying to impress my wonderful Lady with my sensitive ways. Yes, I know my readers appreciate them having read my many thoughtful and caring Posts, but when you’re face to face with a beautiful woman it’s an entirely different situation. I can only rely on my good looks and youthful physique for so long you know.

So right now I’m between a rock and a hard place – I have to sit with my Lady, hold her hand and say stuff like; “isn’t it sweet how they just bastardised that Beyonce song” [the one about the asshole sticking his ring on it] “and made American Football look like the gayest thing ever”. But in reality – I’d rather be in the workshop driving a four inch nail through the top of my foot so as to create an agonised scream capable of drowning out any Gleeafied musical number.  

Anyway, having endured a past relationship through 4 seasons of “Glee”, I find out my new Lady never saw the beginning of it. So every night is going to be “Glee” night from now on. And all I can think is that eventually they’re going to get to that killer episode where they do ‘GaGa’ and ‘Kiss’ on the same night – and you’ve already read how that affected me.

But it gets worse when I think about it. You see, the other thing that I actually do like to watch with my new Lady is reruns of “MASH”. We get them every night on the Comedy channel. And who doesn’t like “MASH”? I mean, it has got to be one of the most successfully repeated comedy series of all time. Like this is its umpteenth appearance on our TV screens. And you can bet your bottom dollar that we’ve seen every episode we watch at least twice before – but we still watch it, still laugh and still enjoy it.

But now you can see why this “Glee” thing has got me frazzled in such a fisherman’s stocking. Is this going to be the new ‘MASH’? I mean, there are similarities: the guy who likes to wear dresses, the blonde woman who acts like the anti-fun police, the bi-spectacled social reject whose one saving grace is that he’s good with technology and stuff…

…My God! It will be the new “MASH”!!!!

That means that for the next 20 years I’m going to be watching perpetual reruns of “Glee” – and then I’ll be due to get Alzheimer’s at which time I’ll probably start watching it again and think it’s my very first time…

…And then I’ll probably live well into my 90s so that I have to endure at least another five reruns after that…

It all sounds a bit fishy to me...

That’s what I think… and usually I’m right.

HOW NZ POST MADE ME LOOK LIKE A GENIUS

[NOTE: Parts of this article are based on true events; namely Toyota's implementation of LSS and my experiences with New Zealand Post]

Sometimes I’m a freaking genius!

Yes, it’s all about the proverbial ‘glass half full’ approach.

You see, I work for this monstrous-sized organisation and everything we do is done on a grand scale.

But when everything is done like that – it costs bucket loads of money. And let’s face it, the world’s contemporary CEOs like everything to be done on a massive “we’re better than everyone else” scale; but they want to do it on a budget equal to the price of a McDonald’s Happy Meal. So we have this kind of mismatch between what our bosses want us to do and how they expect us to do it.

Yes… I hear you chuckling smugly – you know exactly what I mean.

And in my organisation the bosses are always crying out “we want value for money” and running around looking for ways to cut costs. For example – if we didn’t have customers draining our front-end staff’s time imagine how much that would save the business. And if we didn’t have to manage all those contracts for which we get paid millions, we wouldn’t need to have people sitting in back-room offices whose job it is to actually develop and manage contracts.

In short, if we didn’t have paying customers and we didn’t need to run profitable contracts; we’d be able to reduce business costs and be far more efficient.

Brilliant!

Recently my company sent me on a training course to learn how to be a Green Belt in the art of Lean Six Sigma. Yes I know what you’re thinking, why would they want me to learn Karate? Well, although it does sound like a martial art, Lean Six Sigma (or LSS) is actually a Japanese business model designed to generate efficiency. It was invented by the Toyota car company who wanted to make their production lines as lean and as efficient as possible.

The basic premise of LSS as used by Toyota was that they could measure things like how many times did you have to turn the wheel nuts on a car before they were tight enough? And could the number of turns be reduced without compromising customer satisfaction?

What Toyota found was that ‘yes’, you could reduce the number of turns without compromising customer satisfaction. You see, a satisfied customer only wants to see that the car has four wheels on it. They assume that the nuts are tight enough – but the assumption isn’t related to customer satisfaction; only the expectation that the car has four wheels on it.

So they worked out that they could implement a LSS improvement by reducing the number of turns. Sure the car isn’t as safe - but the labour cost is reduced and this means that profits are higher while costs to the customer are lower. So not only does the car have four wheels on it, it now has a cheaper price tag. And that means the customer is even more satisfied.

Until the wheels fall off… but hey, you get what you pay for.

Anyway, I digress. As part of my LSS project I had to find a business process that I could improve. And my boss actually had one in mind. You see, our organisation has a lot of paperwork that it is required by law to keep – tonnes of it in fact. And we have to store it all in massive warehouses that cost a fortune to keep and maintain. It’s ridiculous!

And my boss wanted me to reduce our storage costs.

My problem was logistical – the amount of material we needed to store couldn’t be reduced but most storage spaces available for lease at the size required were generally around the same price.

What a headache of a problem.

Then my moment of genius…

It happened by accident really. I wasn’t even at work. I was at home one evening browsing on-line and I saw a DVD that I’d been looking for for quite a while. So I purchased it over the net.

Well the DVD retail company was good, got it in the post the next day and sent me a tracking number so I could monitor its delivery progress through New Zealand Post.

Three weeks later and I was still waiting. According to New Zealand Post’s brilliant online tracking system – they’d collected it but it hadn’t moved since.

I contacted them.

They began an investigation.

They sent me a letter to say they’d begun an investigation.

I got the letter. Still didn’t get my parcel.

Two more weeks…

And that’s when it hit me – the solution to my company’s problem...

So I went to work the next day, contacted our storage warehouses and told them to package up all our files and post them back to our own company. Two months later and we have emptied out all our warehouses and cancelled the leases. New Zealand Post has all our files trapped in their system indefinitely and we’re saving a fortune on storage costs.

Thanks New Zealand Post, I might get a promotion thanks to you.

Anyway, that's what I think and usually I'm right