I like to think of myself as a manly man… a tough, rugged, likes to eat steak and beans Charlie Sheen type of guy. So it should be no surprise to you that I get a bit worried about some of these pink frilly accessories that men seem to be expected to adorn these days… things like ‘feelings’, ‘sensitivity’ and ‘empathy’… I mean, what’s that all about?
But men… real men... are fast becoming an endangered species in today’s world.
Like the other day I was with some blokey blokes and we were talking about what blokey blokes talk about; sports, sex and beer – a really in-depth and meaningful type conversation. Anyway, mid-way through our man talk one of the guys reveals without hesitation that he’s recently had a vasectomy. Almost immediately two others in the group admit they’ve had vasectomies too. I mean, come on guys, what are you doing?
Well apparently my masculine naivety about this, expressed in my dumbfounded disbelief, means that I’m actually not a real man because apparently in this day and age a ‘real man’ listens to his woman, understands and appreciates her, enjoys his salad and mayonnaise (and probably joins a tatter guild for God’s sake!!!).
So for the record let me get this straight – a real man allows himself to be neutered at his woman’s request?????
Get outa here!!!!
But it gets worse! That evening I raise this bizarre experience at the dinner table at home – “like, you never guess what I heard today, it’s unbelievable…” and my Girlfriend looks across the table and says; “I wish all men were that understanding”.
BLOODY HELL!!!! – Doesn’t she get it? If all men were that understanding then they wouldn’t be men, would they? Does she really want to be in a relationship with a big girl’s blouse who is happy to watch 'Desperate Housewives' with her? Who’s going to mow the lawns???
So that night I’m lying in bed staring at the ceiling – it should be no surprise that I can’t sleep knowing what I know now… that I’m apparently too much of a man for my Girlfriend and she wants to literally nip that in the bud - and I suddenly realise what’s really going on here.
It’s colonisation.
That’s right men, we are being colonised. Think about it. We’re being oppressed; don’t drink, don’t smoke, don’t eat red meat… enslaved; iron your own shirts, fill the dishwasher, put the toilet seat down… assimilated; tell me how you feel, please watch ‘The Notebook’ with me, it’s great that we can just cuddle…
…And now they want us to become eunuchs too. It’s like when all those fancy lawyers and judges go to ‘Mistress in Leather’ to get handcuffed, chained and beaten – like, don’t they get whipped enough at home? No wonder they like to wear wigs and frock-like robes.
But again I digress. As I was saying, men are being colonised. And the worst thing about being colonised is that, like all those indigenous peoples who were colonised before us, by the time you recognise colonisation for what it is it’s already too late; they’ve literally got you by the balls.
So resistance, rebellion and revolution are out of the question. There simply isn’t enough real men left to take the affirmative step, to challenge the new order and burn their jockeys for liberation. No, too many of us have succumb to colonial change. Too many of us are now “in touch with our feminine side” – gone off and developed a conscience, an urge to express ourselves openly and honestly, a need to ‘share’, and a desire to stop and smell the flowers…
You Pansies!!!!!
That’s what I think… and yes dear, you’re always right.
No comments:
Post a Comment