When should Ageing Rockers Stop Performing And Making Fools of Themselves?

This has got to be the perpetual question that haunts most in the music scene. I mean, how often are we forced to endure the endless trite of has-been musos who just can’t accept that their time has passed?

Cliff Richard must be the ultimate example of this. He launched his career as the nice English lad singing classics like “Living Doll” and “Summer Holiday” and then re-invented himself in the late 70s with mega-hits like “Carrie” and “We don’t talk anymore”. But then Cliff went and found religion. Now this in itself isn’t a bad thing but Cliff went a step further – he took it upon himself to become a self-appointed evangelist of sorts. Then Cliff became confused between the literal and metaphorical interpretations of his Bible to the point that he came to believe that he was living an eternal life here on earth and that his mission was to record a number one Christmas Song every year until the end of time. And based on these recordings, one can assume that Cliff also believes that the rest of humankind are required to suffer in this life in order to receive their rewards in the next. Thanks Cliff.

Rod Stewart is another great artist who has succumb to the need to pursue his career beyond anything resembling taste, class or chic magnetism. This one time crooner of great love ballads like “Maggie Mae” and “Sailing” suddenly feels the need to dig up old tunes that have well passed their ‘use buy’ dates and produce a series of albums based on some half-witted notion of an American songbook. There’s an irony in having an ex-grave digger digging a hole for himself. But surely Rod you must have noticed by now that people wince at your new recordings in the same way that they wince every time Kenny Rogers’ “Gambler” comes on the radio. How many blondes does it take to make a crinkley old man?

What about the Rolling Stones? Do they fit here too? Well they are still great rockers, there’s no doubt about that. Even though Keith Richards looks like Tutankahmen with a moisture deficiency, they can still get it on. But the recent Scorcese film did little to exalt these legends of rock-in-perpetuity but rather, demonstrate the incompetence of two ageing guitarists trying to strum the same three chords at the same time:
“Hey Ronnie, why are you playing ‘Satisfaction’?”
“Dunno Keif, why is Mick singing ‘Angie’?”
“He’s singing Angie? So why am I riffing ‘Honky Tonk Woman’?”
“Dunno Keif, I’m still trying to figure out where Bill is”…

There are others that need to be challenged too:

Elton John – It doesn’t matter what kind of rodent you put on the top of your bald head – it doesn’t make you look sharper than the twenty something boy band you’re dueting with.

ACDC - Come on Angus, you can so rock - but a guy in his 60s still wearing a school uniform, it's a bit much mate.

And where does U2 fit into this group? Yes, U2. Well, perhaps ageing Bono should have a look at the signs evident in the ailing careers of those mentioned here and consider whether he wants to be singing beyond his use by date or go out a star while he still can. I mean, one of the obvious clues is who is covering your songs. Now if it’s young upstarts like Keane that’s one thing, but when an ageing Johnny Cash does a wonderful rendition of “One” shortly before he carks it, you have got to start thinking about what you're doing…

At least that’s what I think… and usually I’m right.