You've Got Mail - And It's All Spam

So my computer goes “bing” and that tells me that I’ve got mail.

And do you know what I hate about emails? I hate that there’s more spam coming through my Inbox than there is being served up for dinner on a Japanese whaling vessel. And what makes it worse is that it keeps coming no matter what I do. If I ignore it, they send more. If I press ‘unsubscribe’, they send more. And if I put a massive big sledge hammer through my monitor, they still send more.

Like, I do appreciate that if it wasn’t for spam some people would never get emails, but hey – given my celebrity status due to this highly informative Blog site, do you think I’m going to be one of those friendless losers?

Anyway, without meaning to sound judgemental, I do digress. The point is that even with my multiple spam filters, virus catchers and fisherman’s breathe (or whatever that last thing is called), I still get hundreds of spam emails. And I bet you get the same ones too.

For example, how many times am I going to hear from various Sheikh Mohammed Mahers (or names that are variations thereof) who are allegedly representing a client who died in a tragic car crash on the way to a suicide bombing mission in Afghanistan, leaving behind 20 hectares of un-harvested Taliban poppy fields and U.S. three million dollars? And how many of these so-called Sheikhs are willing to share it all with me so long as I help them get it out of Afghanistan by giving them my bank account details and directing them to my local Laundromat?

Now we all know that 99 percent of these emails are bogus – just some failed Nigerian taxi driver sitting on his laptop between fares looking for some naïve English speaking chowderbrain who is ripe for the plucking. However, I did get one email from a guy who assured me that he was an honest Lawyer and a Pastor (and the Son of a World Banker and a Nun), and that he wasn’t like all those other spammers – so I’m pretty sure he must have been legit. Too bad that just after he had “made the deposit into my account” the world went into global recession and I ended up having to pay thousands of dollars due to the decayed exchange rate. But I’m sure that when I hear from him again he’ll have some good news for me.

Then there’s all those spam-marketeers out there who want to sell me various products to enhance my sex life; everything from instant size enhancers, Chemco and Windex’s Mexican Viagra, and Chernobyl-born eleven toed mutant-wives. And I’d like to know why these people think that I'm in such desperate need for some kind of physical gentlemen's enhancement, a box of blue chemical and asbestos prolongenaide capsules, or a radiated Ukrainian Geiger-mistress. Who have they been talking to? I just find it all a little too much – and now I have a headache. Luckily Chemco and Windex also sell Turkish vicodin (with the concrete adhesive powder base) because that’s something I could actually use.

So having failed to interest me in billions of dollars of unnoticeably misplaced funds or a variety of sexually orientated products designed to improve all aspects of my apparent inadequacy, what are the spammers going to offer me next? Answer: Downloadable products; movies, satellite TV, music, games, the latest software and instant access to Candy’s Bootycall (I’m not sure what that last one is but apparently it’s a “trusted site” and I was “recommended by a friend”).

But in all honesty, I don’t want these downloadable products. I mean, the movies aren’t exactly your everyday romantic comedies where Julia Roberts meets boring English twat for coffee, croissant and a box of tissues. Oh no, these are the alternative versions where Julia Double D meets Eric Shaun for a romp, roll and… well you get the picture. And it’s the same with the Satellite TV except for the other channels where they show really old movies that Ted Turner hasn't coloured in yet, or endless repeats of that tired old American sitcom Falcon's Crest. The music is all that free legal crap – so it’s all been uploaded by a bunch of self-recorded, talentless wannabe nobodies. The games and software are all derivatives of Pac-Man and Office 97 (except for the ones that are actual pirated copies of derivatives of Pac-Man and Office 97). And Candy’s Bootycall… Well, I’m still not sure what that one is but I do need to check it out given that I was “recommended by a friend”.

So come on you guys – can the spam! Nobody wants it. No-one wants to buy a genuine fake Rolex, a credit card with no limit, a half-share in a winning lottery ticket, or an orphaned child from a war-torn third world dictatorship. People don’t need to hear that they are sexually dysfunctional or that someone had to die a terrible and tragic death so that they could be offered a quarter of the world’s currency-in-circulation. It’s time to face the facts and switch it off so that we can just get on and check our own emails!!!

Now… let's see what this Candy’s Bootycall site is all about?...

...That’s what I think… And usually I’m right.