I get sick and tired of all these absolutely vacant headed, ‘one tsunami short of a Malaysian beach resort’ idiots who get themselves caught in a natural disaster zone and then expect CNN to come along and give them their 15 minutes of fame, 42 bags of corn and rice, and an international IMF debt write-off plan. I mean, take a good look at these clichéd stories of so-called tragedy and mayhem and ask yourself, “how come only dunderheaded communities get destroyed by natural disasters?”
Well it’s not just dunderheaded communities – it just looks that way because after the authorities have told everyone to evacuate and all the local intellectuals, professionals and hairdressers have gone (taking their comprehensive insurance documents, bearer bonds and cash assets with them), it's only the dunderheads who choose to stay and face the giant wave, the lava-flow, the fire, the flood - or whatever the impending disaster is. And the main reason why they stay behind (other than for the fact that they’re all a bunch of total frankendoofers) is because from their highly sophisticated perspective; “it’s all a government conspiracy”, “the wind direction will change despite the satellite images”, “it’s not going to happen to us”, “American Idol is on in half an hour”.
And how many of these gooberwoppers will actually go to the beach and watch the oncoming tsunami or head to the top of the mountain to experience the volcanic blast? Like, some will even take deck chairs for goodness sake! And you just know that none of them are going to survive the impending disaster and that in a few months time, their predictably tragic deaths will feature on at least seven different reality/disaster cable-based TV programmes (including ‘Gone in Seconds’, ‘World’s Scariest Disasters’, and ‘Who’s the Dumbass now?’).
Unfortunately, despite all our hopes, prayers and dreams; the disaster will pass and there will be survivors - and that means there’s going to be a multi-national trillion-billion-quizillion dollar rescue effort that includes an international ‘guilt you into giving up your child’s college fund’ Disaster Victim’s Appeal. And they perpetuate the need to give to the Appeal by bombarding you with overly dramaticised news stories containing dollops of human tragedy and animal survival, all set against the backdrop of Simon and Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Waters”. How can you resist without looking like the sensible pragmatist that you are?
They begin by creating the iconic image of an ‘amazing’ survival story. In this case, Tina-Maria Constance Agulia Van Statton Smith Brown (named after her mother and three of her possible fathers). Tina-Maria is a 15 year old mother of two who is pulled out of the ruins of her thatched apartment building after being trapped under the rubble for seven days without any food or tequila. Covered in mud and streaky mascara, Tina-Maria captures the hearts and minds of the plausibly stupid as she is re-united with her two adorable children, little Chardonnay-Mercedes and Justice-Osama (why do they always have hyphenated names?).
You can just hear the violins soar.
From the human story to the cruel reality as the cameras transition from Tina-Maria to the wider context where rescue workers continue to dig amongst the wreckage, pulling out large quantities of personal effects including bandanas and head scarves, puffer jackets, Guitar Hero toys, downloaded Chris Brown CDs, and nine millimetre ouzis. As we see these iconic symbols of social devastation laid side by side along the cracked pavement in front of the local school where they were uncovered, we can’t help but feel the need to dig deep into our pockets to help Tina-Maria and her two adorable children…
…well, at least Tina-Maria and Chardonnay-Mercedes (poor little Justice-Osama simply isn’t cute enough to sustain our well-meaning interest or the TV ratings).
And here’s where the real struggle begins… trying to decide which charitable organisation I should give my five dollar donation to. Life shouldn’t be this hard…
Well, that’s what I think… and usually I’m right.
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