Will somebody please explain to me why the %&*^# we go out and celebrate Halloween? I mean, Americans have been doing it for years – but they partake in drive by shootings too; should we adopt that pastime as well? Why do we have to take on inane American pastimes when all they do is create angst and animosity between neighbours?
I mean, I was happy when I didn’t have to know who my neighbours were. I’ve seen those reality shows on television, you know; Neighbours from Hell. I don’t need to find out who I’m living next door to… and I’m sure my neighbours don’t need the added pressure of finding out that they live next to such a highly celebrated Social Commentator and Celebrity Blog Writer such as myself.
Halloween interferes with the natural order of things. It’s an awkward ritual where pumpkins become light-sources, kids confess to being little monsters and parents look suspiciously at each other as though, on this one night of the year, the entire neighbourhood turns into a covern of sadistic kid-hating psycho-perverts.
But despite all these reasons not to do it, once every October parents dress their kids in fancy little costumes; ghosts, goblins, witches, mummies, social rejects (what do you mean that’s not a costume?) and so on; and they send them through your gate while they stand out on the street watching… smiling… like they pretend that they know you (“you’re our neighbour, we live next door”). But in reality, if these parents really knew you they wouldn’t need to stand there would they? Like they’re smiling politely but we all know that the reason they’re there is that they think because you live in this neighbourhood there must be something wrong with you…
Sod off you bastards! I've got nothing worth stealing!!!
So the little costumed monstrosities come marching up your garden path and you know that nothing you do is going to be right. For instance, comment on their costume – does the nice white sheet mean that you’re a ghost or that you just hate black people?... Is that Alien mask supposed to look like a giant foreskin on top of your head?... Whatever you say, the kids are going to cry or their parents are going to take offence.
And then comes the double-wammi question; “Trick or Treat?” (Or should it be ‘violation or vandalisation?’).
Now I call it the ‘double-wammi’ question because no matter how you respond, it’s going to be wrong. If you say “Trick” then the little bastards are going to throw eggs at your house. Now apparently in the eyes of their parents standing at the gate, this is totally acceptable. What’s apparently not acceptable to them is my responding by whacking the kid with a baseball bat – “Like the little bastard just threw eggs at my house!” But can you imagine if I went around to their house and threw cow poop at it? I mean, is this hypocrisy or just downright stupidity. It’s okay for your kid to trash my house but I’m not allowed to come round and trash yours? What's that about?.
Alternatively I could reply “Treat” upon which I am required to provide a sack load of sweets and candies for the little brats. So earlier I was expected to go out and spend a quizillion dollars on lolly-pops to accommodate these children’s need to suck their teeth into a cavity-riddled chasm of denture-rot. But should I now launch my own unsuspected ‘Trick’ upon the little horrors, their parents are going to go nuts.
And it goes something like this; I reach into my little basket of goodies and I delicately hand over a wad of lollies. “Here’s your Treat my good little vampire,” I announce as I gleefully watch him bite down on a juicy looking jelly-baby...
“Tricked you!!!” I shout as he wails in pain, having caught one of my secretly implanted razorblades or rusty nails in the roof of his mouth. And you’ve got to see the funny side of this, I caught the tiny tyke at his own game… so why are his parents so hopping mad? Like it was okay that he was going to trick me, but I can’t trick him??? Come on, it’s all part of the Halloween spirit, get with it for God’s sake!!! He’ll live… and it was sooooo darn funny! What the hell is wrong with you people???
Halloween sucks!
At least, that’s what I think… And usually I’m right.
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