Smoking In Prisons - Lock up the civil libertarians please

We often criticise our Governments and Politicians for the decisions they make, suggesting that for the most part, they make about as much sense as Malcolm McLaren agreeing to produce the next three Cliff Richard albums (imagine that: We Don’t Talk Bollocks Anymore, Mistletoe and Methamphetamines, and The Young Bastards).

But I digress… what I was saying is that Governments are always under criticism – taxes are too high, wages are too low, services are too poor, old people live too long… and so it goes on and on.

But sometimes Governments and Politicians do get it right and I’ve got to say, this is one of those times.

You see, in my country they’ve introduced a new law that prohibits smoking in prisons. And you’ve got to agree that this is a common sense piece of legislation. I mean, we already ban smoking in most public places – bars and restaurants, work places, public buildings, schools and nurseries, petrol stations, hospitals, shopping malls and fire stations – so why not prisons? Why should convicts be allowed to smoke on the inside when most everybody else is told to “get outside!” (I suppose we could tell the inmates to stand outside too but I’m kind of guessing that that would defeat the purpose of them being in prison in the first place).

So you can see that I think this latest stance by our Government is a good one. And you just know that most sensible people would agree.

But not everybody is as sensible as you and I. Like those civil libertarians, they’re not very sensible are they? I mean, as soon as you suggest that incarcerated criminals might have to obey a new rule – out come the civil libertarians shouting how unfair it is and that this is yet another imposition upon prisoners’ basic human rights. Like, we don’t put them in prison for killing our grandparents, raping our daughters, burning down our houses and stealing our ipods just so that they can experience punishment and torment. Oh no, that would be monstrous. Prison is meant to be nothing more than a little ‘time out’ and we need to make it as comfortable for them as possible. And it would certainly be unfair if an inmate couldn’t enjoy a smoke and a beer while he’s watching Sky Sports on his 60 inch plasma.

And these civil libertarian clingerwads don’t stop there do they? No, they also demand that the tax payer provides the inmates with every ‘stop smoking’ cessation programme and product out there regardless of cost… that it’s unfair that we expect them to go ‘cold turkey’. I mean what if they all become edgy and anxious? What if tension levels rise? What if there’s violence? What if one of these convicted little sociopaths gets so stressed that they actually attack one of their cellmates?

… we never saw that one coming… it’s such a tragic loss… Snake was well-loved by his peers and an inspiration to us all… he will be missed… (Ferret and Jimmy will be giving out free memorial tattoos in the dining room after the service)…

So I was listening to talk back radio the other night after the Government passed the new law. And you guessed it, all the civil libertarians were calling in determined to defend the rights of our poor and oppressed (with no chance of parole) victims of their own circumstance. And there was this one caller, a real sea-sponge short of a heart and lung transplant, who had given up smoking after taking a course of hypnotherapy…

… Oh, you can see where this is going can’t you? He thought that maybe we could hypnotise all the inmates so that they could give up smoking too.

Yeah - Like if that was going to work we’d hypnotise them to STOP DOING CRIMES!!!

So for you Mr. Hypnotherapy - and in keeping with your fruitful suggestion... sit back, relax, close your eyes...

 “You are a dumbass… you are a dumbass… you are a dumbass…”

... And now let me snap my fingers...

 

That’s what I think… and usually I’m right.