Research About Penguin Poo and Country Music

I recently saw an article in the daily news that carried the headline: "TV MEDICS GET IT WRONG"

The article read: “Medical teams from ER or House may race to respond to a seizure but nearly half of the time the TV doctors and nurses do the wrong thing, according to a Canadian study.
Researchers from Dalhousie University, Halifax, Nova Scotia, screened the popular medical dramas Grey's Anatomy, House, Private Practice and ER”… [and] … “found in 327 episodes screened, 59 seizures occurred. Fifty-one seizures took place in a hospital. Nearly all first aid was performed by nurses or doctors.
But the study found inappropriate practices such as holding the person down, trying to stop involuntary movements or putting something in the person's mouth, occurred in 25 cases, or nearly 46 percent of the incidents….”

WELL, HELLO!!! Are Canadians really this stupid? Can someone please tell them that TV shows aren’t real!!!

Of course, this does raise questions about the types of research being validated in our universities today. Let’s look at some other real examples of contemporary academic brilliance (like, I haven't made these up - they are all genuine research programmes or publications):

• Researchers at Oxford University (2010) have determined that Neanderthals were clever because they made jewelry out of shells. Get real! I can remember when my kids were little and could make cakes, spaceships and tigers out of plasticine - in a relative sense, that would make my kids geniuses. 

• The Department of Internal Medicine in Israel (1988) found that a digital rectal massage is a cure for hiccups. Okay, so when did I last have hiccups? Where was I? Who was I with? If I were in that situation again, what would be the appropriate etiquette required to… well you can see where I’m going with this. And the next time you come across someone with hiccups, are going to be brave enough to tell them where they can go and stick their finger? 
• Academic Journal ‘Polar Biology’ published a paper in 2003 explaining that Chinstrap penguins can squirt poo up to 40 centimetres. Now I need to know that why? I mean, "look out guys, there's a Chinstrap penguin and they can squirt their poo like 40 centimetres!" "Thanks for the heads up Bro, I'll be more careful around them next time."
• The ‘Social Forces’ Journal (1992) published findings of a piece of research that found that suicide rates were linked to the amount of country music played on the radio. I could have told you that for free!!! I mean, who doesn't want to kill themself rather than listen to country music? That's how Willie Nelson avoided paying taxes for so long - everytime someone from Inland Revenue came after him, he'd sing them a song.
• ‘The Journal of Experimental Psychology’ (2005) published a compelling article that demonstrated that Rats can’t always tell the difference between Japanese spoken backwards and Dutch spoken backwards. Well, I’m absolutely flabergasted… who would have thought? And if you play Led Zepplin's Stairway to Heaven backwards, they become possessed by evil spirits and behave like lawyers...

I could go on – but I am just so overwhelmed by the knowledge I’ve already accumulated whilst researching for this Blog. We should all bow to the inspirational work of these magnificent academic minds.

At least, that’s what I think… and usually I'm right.