Conspiracy Theories Explained: Confusing, ain't it?

If there’s one thing that amuses me more than a Zimbabwean farmer trying to milk his cow before someone shoots their skinny white ass (the cow that is), it’s all these conspiracy nutters who believe in government sanctioned assassination plots, alien intrusions into our airspace, Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, and Burger King awarding employee of the month to Elvis McPresley.

You do have to wonder what kind of people would actually believe in all this conspiracy nonsense. Do they have girlfriends? Do they have jobs or social networking profiles? Do they go out in public? Do they travel? Do they wear postal service uniforms and carry a firearms licence?

Of course, clever people like you and I know that conspiracy theories are all bunk. Like, the problem with most conspiracy theories is that they assume intelligence on the part of the conspirator and let’s face it, most of the time the alleged ‘conspirator’ is some government bureaucrat…

… What else do I need to say?

So it’s time to wake up and smell the coffee! A weather balloon is just a weather balloon, Michael Jackson is dead, and the Da Vinci code will reveal nothing more than the artist’s favourite recipe for Lombardian Buccellato. And as sad as all that may be, it’s time for all those conspiracy touting nerds out there to get back to doing what they do best – getting beaten up.

Take for example the infamous Kennedy assassination. This is one of the ultimate conspiracy theories of all time. The CIA did it! The Mafia did it! The grassy knoll did it! Why, you can even go to the website http://www.bertisevil.tv/pages/bert000.htm to learn that the  Sesame Street muppet character ‘Bert’ did it!

And all these absurd possibilities are perpetuated across our media, reaffirmed by the exuberant denials of our government officials (the reverse psychology approach – if we deny it hard enough then it must be true), and given a sense of credibility by various substandard documentary films poorly narrated by Stacey Keach and the late Robert Stack (and what type of conspiracy theory would explain a dead actor doing voice-overs for substandard documentary films?).

So why are there so many conspiratorial explanations for the Kennedy assassination? Well I, too, could give you a long winded and complicated rationale for this, pointing to dark shadowy figures in the moonlight, women wearing pink carnations and reciting subliminal recognition limmericks, and hidden Babylonian script carved into the underside of freshly painted park benches. But the truth – the absolute truth – of this sad, sad conspiracy is far simpler than all of this…

It’s about America!!!

That’s right – America. You see, as hard as it is to imagine, a 1960’s America could not have coped with the possibility that a 24 year old passive-aggressive communist-loving malfunct with minimal education could fire a single shot from a sixth storey window using a cheap Italian carbine rifle with a piss-ass scope… and actually hit the target. That would be too much to bear. It’s so much easier and so much more plausible to accept that a government agency full of men wearing black suits and sunglasses could orchestrate a sophisticated plot involving the triangulation of three covert marksmen and a mono-browed Muppet; and then manage to keep this all secret by hiding all the forensic evidence and using Ernie as an alibi.

That’s America for you!!!

It’s the same with the Roswell incident. This is the 1940’s story of something that crashes in the desert of New Mexico, leaving debris of metallic silver strewn all over the place along with four unidentifiable pig-ugly dead bodies. At first the Army tells us that it’s just a ‘weather balloon’. No big drama there – until they realise the true magnitude of their situation. Then they let it slip that it might be ‘alien’, and the newspapers report it as a UFO (only it's not flying now you tabloid tobogganheads). But as quick as that one slips out, the Army rushes back in to deny it again; forcefully adhereing to their 'weather balloon' narrative.

So, for years the Army denies the possibility that they have this spaceship hidden in a hangar at Area 51, and for years all the conspiracy theorists insist that they do have an alien spaceship hidden there.

Then one day more than thirty years later, even those dumbass conspiracy boffins begin to think, well, maybe it was just a weather balloon after all. And now the Army does have something to panic about; what if the people work it out? What if the truth is revealed?

So as more and more people come to accept the mundane weather balloon story, the Army seems to become more and more determined to re-invigorate its excessive denial of the spaceship story.

Are you confused yet? I am.

And now all the conspiracy boffins start twittering each other (using on-line profiles like 'Muldermustdie437' and 'Spudnik Spock') asking; Why does the Army persist in denying the spaceship story with such exuberance? Why do they want us to believe it was a spaceship? What are they really trying to hide from us? And what has Bert got to do with it?

...As if the Army would ever feel the need to hide anything from that bunch of tweeterheads.

But nevertheless, I’ll tell you what they're hiding out there beneath the hot Navada desert. It’s not a spaceship, it's not evidence of some 1940’s radiation fallout experiment on fighter pilots, and it's not a secret plot contrived by a cell of terrorist suicide-muppets led by Bert Bin Laden. Once again the truth is as simple as it is obvious.

It’s about America!!!

Yes, once again this has to do with the way Americans do things. You see, one day the Army releases a weather balloon over the New Mexican desert near the town of Roswell. Sadly, this balloon is faulty and it breaks up in the air and comes crashing down to earth. Unfortunately, it lands on a family of four border hopping Mexicans, killing them all instantly. Immediately the Army realises that because their equipment failure has caused this terrible tragedy, they can now be sued in an American court by the relatives of these illegal aliens. And no-one in the Army wants to pay compensation for a family of illegal aliens.

Hmmm… Aliens…

That’s what I think… And usually I’m right.