Remember in the 1990s when all the American Gangsta Rap and Hip Hop artists were suddenly discovering God and announcing it at every awards ceremony from the Grammys and the BAFTAs to the Arkansas Medley Quest and Liverpool’s Westfield Mall Talent Challenge? But as much as these musical wannabes proclaimed their devotion, we all knew it was a bunch of croc – usually an attempt to seek favour from a Judge deliberating on their latest court case for coke snorting, wife bashing, drive-by shooting or bad-taste recording.
Even those who genuinely believed that they had discovered a relationship with God were misguided and confused. In most cases, when they had experienced the great white tunnel leading to the blinding light where they heard the voices calling God’s name - the white tunnel was a porcelain bowl, the blinding light the reflection of a bathroom fluorescent, and the voice was their own – screaming out for mercy between each alcohol induced hurl.
Nevertheless, lately I’ve been thinking about God myself. After all, I’m getting older and one day I might even reach middle age. So I’ve begun my stock-take of life and part of this involves contemplating this whole notion of ‘what is on the other side’.
But this is not about some personal quest for disillusionment (chasing distorted facial images in the clouds so that I can light some vanilla incense and sing ‘kumbaya’), this is about making a sensible investment decision. I mean, I don’t know if there’s a God on the other side or not – but it makes sense to gamble on the assumption of possibility and invest a quid in the ‘what if?’
So that’s what I intend to do.
But there’s a problem. There’s so many to choose from and these days, they all insist on a monotheistic following – meaning you can’t invest in more than one at the same time. I mean, back in the old days you could follow as many as you liked – crikey, you could even make up your own if you couldn’t find enough. It was like collecting and trading base-ball cards – and as long as you knew which ones were keepers and which ones weren't (“here, I’ll give you my Osiris, Horus and Seth for your Amen Ra”) everything was okay.
But today you can only choose one.
So you can see my dilemma. It’s like choosing which insurance product to buy: which one is going to give me the best return on my investment?
Of course the difficulty is that the industry itself is not regulated. I mean, in the insurance sector Brokers have to abide by a mandatory Code of Practice. The same can be said for Realtors, Lawyers, Physicians and Zimbabwean Tour Guides. But in this game, anyone can act as an agent: Priests, Rabbis, Imams, Monks – and these are just the more reputable ones.
Take Pope Eggs Benedict for example (not to be mistaken for Rabbi Benedict with Bacon). Eggs Benedict is a former Hitler Youth movement member with very conservative and discriminatory views about - well everyone and everything really. But he’s also considered to be one of the most reputable agents in the whole industry – so much so that they make little souvenir teaspoons in his likeness and sell them in Italian marketplaces for about Two Euros a piece. This is so that his devout clientele can review his image on a regular basis and be thankful for the wonderful investment advice he has given them.
So this 'God' thing is giving me a headache - trying to decide which one to invest in in this highly competitive, completely unregulated industry is a bit of a challenge for mere mortals like me.
Perhaps it’s time for an industry shakeup…
That’s what I think… and usually I’m right.
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