I think Reality TV sucks

On every channel of every TV in every country at every hour of every day there is some type of stupid, bone headed reality TV programme waiting to be watched. And what is the premise of these 'as intellectual as a door-mat' programmes? Well the original idea was to put a group of ordinary everyday people into some type of ‘normal’ close quarter environment, throw in a competitive activity and watch them all fall over each other in their tightly clad swimwear (kind of like jello wrestling at the ‘Vicar’s Arms’ but without the hair-pulling and eye gouging).

The most famous example of this is “Survivor”. But how real is the “Survivor” scenario? I mean the people aren't real - except perhaps for the silicon bits. And the island isn't real, except perhaps for the encroaching oil slick. And all you actually get in this so-called archetype reality TV programme is a group of totally dysfunctional sociopaths fighting amongst themselves on a Hollywood backlot that looks like an imaginary tribal island in their pursuit to find out who has the biggest ego and the least amount of scruples and integrity. It might sound like another day at the office, but I assure you it isn’t.

Of course that was first generation reality TV. In the same way that as soon as you upgrade your Ipod, Apple release their next generation model: the reality genre has moved on. Second generation reality TV is about taking supposed normal people and placing them in totally unnatural situations and seeing how they respond. “Trading Spouses” is a prime example of this. There is only one rationale for why two men would engage in wife-swapping activities and that isn't even in the show.

However, my favourite second generation reality programme has got to be “From G’s to Gents”. The premise here is that you take a bunch of idiot gangsters from the streets of Drivebyshootingsville and see which one of them can be transformed enough to obtain membership into an exclusive gentleman’s club. This is reality???!!! I mean half these 'I-got-baked-on-crack-and-draino' heads can’t even speak a recognisable human language and the others can’t speak at all because they were smart enough to go and glue the chrome grill of a Chevy Nova to their teeth.

But now we’re into third generation reality TV. And I have to wonder – how far removed from reality does it have to get before we stop calling it ‘reality’? These new shows all focus on the lives of celebrities – or at least, wannabe celebrities. The first evolution of these was of course “The Osbournes”, but now we have “Meet the Kardashians”, “Kendra”, “Tori and Dean”, “Girls of the Playboy Mansion” (I’m sick of watching repeats of this one… again), and “Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels”.

Now here are the two foremost critical questions:

1. How many of these so-called celebrities would still be celebrities without these programmes to prop them up?
2. Why do gorgeous women want to bitch-slap each other for a chance to get close to Bret Michaels?

Now if the TV moguls want to continue to pursue this idea of ‘reality TV’ then isn’t it about time they looked to their viewing public to see what type of reality shows we’d actually like to see? Why I can think of a few:

• “Lethal Injection or Electric Chair”;
• “Third World Medical Procedures – the Surgical Files”;
• “Eating with the Cannibals”;
• “Killing the Kardashians” (such an obvious prime-time mega-hit; so I can’t understand why it hasn’t been done already);
• “Landmine farming in Afghanistan”;
• “Border Patrol – North Korea”;
• "The Sandra Bullock is Crap Show";
• "Meet Tiger Woods" (which would not be another golfing show, I assure you).

So if I have to keep on enduring reality programmes, make them reality programmes that I want to see. I’m tired of all those ‘Idol’ shows, great races, world’s worst teens and Iwannabefamous celebrities. I don't want to see anymore beefcake Kens and Bikini-clad Barbies eating lizards in brine in their quest to win a meagre $50,000! Stop confronting me with the queen of hotel vacancy, Paris Hilton (unless it involves feeding her into a wood chipper)! And don't force me to listen to anymore heavily accented Simon Cowell gobbledegook!

I don't want your fabricated reality, I want the truth!

Except that there is no ‘truth’…

...Only perceptions of reality.

Can't wait until fourth generation reality TV.

That’s what I think… and usually I’m right.